A Date with Kylie
by ss stardust
Summary: After winning tickets to an outdoor concert, the adults decide to get away and make it a night on the town suited just for them. But while they're away, the kids will play. **written in script format**


**MODERN FAMILY** "A DATE WITH KYLIE"

**ACT ONE**

FADE IN:

INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY

Mitchell is in the car with Claire in the passenger seat.

CLAIRE

Watch the car in the other lane. You're getting too close!

MITCHELL

(annoyed)

You know I have been driving for over a decade now, I think I have some idea of what I'm doing.

CLAIRE

(suddenly)

Watch that car!

MITCHELL

(braking)

What? What are you doing?

CLAIRE

Are you blind? You were about to hit that car!

We see that there is a good amount of space between Mitchell and the car in front of him.

MITCHELL

Are you kidding me? There's a whole football field between us and that car. You know you always do this.

CLAIRE

Do what? I'm not doing anything?

MITCHELL

This! You're always micromanaging everything I do, and you always have to find something wrong with the way I do it.

CLAIRE

I resent that. I do _not_ micromanage.

MITCHELL

Oh please, Claire. I grew up with you. You are the biggest -

CLAIRE

(suddenly)

Car! Car! Car!

MITCHELL

Will you stop! Of course there's a car! It's a road! There are cars everywhere!

MITCHELL INTERVIEW

MITCHELL

Ever since we were kids Claire has always tried one-upping me. She likes to point out what I'm doing wrong so that she feels better about herself. She's always been the competitive one,

(then)

which is why she and my dad get along so well. She really _is_ the son he never had.

INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY

MITCHELL

(turning radio on)

You know what, maybe we should just listen to some music.

CLAIRE

Fine. Whatever you say, Driving Miss Daisy.

MITCHELL

What's that supposed to mean?

CLAIRE

Nothing. It's not supposed to mean anything at all, Mitchell.

MITCHELL

You're such a brother sometimes, you know that?

CLAIRE

Yeah, and you're such a sister. What's your point?

MITCHELL

My point is -

CLAIRE

You know I clearly remember you saying that you wanted to listen to the radio.

MITCHELL

OK, keep interrupting me and I will throw you from this moving vehicle.

MITCHELL INTERVIEW

MITCHELL

I love my sister to death, I really do, but sometimes I wish the worst on her. Like maybe she'll stump her toe just as she's getting up in the morning and her day would be ruined. That would be enough for me.

INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY

RADIO DJ (V.O.)

Alright guys, that was Ms. Kylie Minogue...

CLAIRE

Kylie Minogue? Geez, where has she been all these years?

MITCHELL

Probably back in Australia. She's from there, you know.

CLAIRE

Why do you always have to be such a know-it-all? Kylie Minogue is not from Australia. She's British.

MITCHELL

Are you really gonna debate me over my knowledge about Kylie Minogue? A gay icon in her own right?

CLAIRE

Oh, oh here we go now with you. Mr. I-know-all-things-gay.

RADIO DJ (V.O.)

There must be something in the water down in Melbourne because this Aussie star's still got it.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)

This proves nothing.

CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIRE

Ever since we were kids Mitchell has always been trying to one-up me. He just loves trying to prove how much more he knows just to feel better about himself. He's always been the competitive one,

(thinks, then)

although he and my father don't see eye-to-eye on that. Huh, I really _am_ the son my dad never had.

INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - DAY

RADIO DJ (V.O.)

I have, in my hands, two tickets to Kylie's outdoor concert this Saturday night. The next lucky caller will become the proud owner of these puppies.

CLAIRE

(scoffs)

I don't even remember the last time Phil and I had some time to ourselves, let alone went to a concert.

MITCHELL

Oh, Cam hates concerts. The hassle of finding a good parking spot, waiting for the artist to come on stage two hours into the show, the standing, the people. You name it, he hates it.

RADIO DJ (V.O.)

And who do we have on the line with us?

CAM (V.O.)

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Did I win? My name is Cameron Tucker! Did I win?

Mitchell and Claire look at one another.

CLAIRE

Mitchell, car!

Mitchell then rear-ends a car in front of him. He turns to Claire.

MITCHELL

(to Claire)

This proves nothing.

**END OF ACT ONE**

[SPACE BREAK]

**ACT TWO**

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Phil is in the KITCHEN on the phone. He hangs up angrily.

PHIL

Dang it! This always happens!

Alex enters.

ALEX

(to Phil)

You OK, Dad?

PHIL

(nonchalant)

Oh, hey honey. No, nothing's wrong. Everything's fine.

ALEX

You sure? Did mom forget to give you your medication?

PHIL

What? I don't take medication. What are you talking about?

A beat.

ALEX

Never mind.

ALEX INTERVIEW

ALEX

We all know my dad is on some kind of medication. I mean you've seen the guy. There's no way someone with his behavioral traits is normal.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

ALEX (CONT'D)

Well if you need me I'll be upstairs reading.

PHIL

Upstairs? Today's Thursday, why aren't you in school?

ALEX

Dad, we've been off this whole week.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHIL

Do I always remember to tell my kids I love them? Yes. Am I always there for them? You bet. Do I always pay attention to them? Not really, but hey, it happens. That's what I like to call parenthood.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Alex exits. Cameron enters, giddy and bubbly.

PHIL

When did you get here?

CAM

Phil, I've been here for two hours now. Did Claire forget to give you your medication?

Phil looks at Cam with a straight-face.

CAM (CONT'D)

Anyway aren't you gonna ask me why I'm, and I'm using this in a very technical sense, gay?

PHIL

Is this a trick question?

CAM

Gay as in happy, Phil. Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm happy? Claire needs to really up your dosage, doesn't she?

PHIL

I am not on medication!

CAM

(motherese)

Of course you're not! Now listen to this, I have just scored two, repeat two -

PHIL

Two.

CAM

\- tickets for Mitchell and I to go see Kylie Minogue in concert this Saturday!

Cam lets out a giddy squeal while Phil remains straight-faced.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHIL

I wanted those tickets. I wanted to take my wife to that concert so we could get away and enjoy ourselves, and so I could meet Kylie and profess my love to her.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

PHIL

(nonchalant)

Wow, Cam. That's great. Man, Kylie Minogue, huh? I didn't know she was still around. How old is she? Pushing 60?

CAM

That's a little harsh, Phil. Kylie is barely 48.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHIL

I got news for you, Cameron; Kylie Ann Minogue is not 48 she is 46. Check your books. I did.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

PHIL

Ouch, 48? I'm thinking it's time to hang up the walker, grandma. Am I right?

Phil lifts his hand looking for a high-five.

CAM INTERVIEW

CAM

You know I feel for Claire, I really do. I mean we all know that Phil isn't the brightest color in the Crayola box set, but sometimes I can't help but to feel so bad for that woman. To put up with that on a daily basis must be nothing short of a miracle.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Cam slowly reaches up to high-five an over-excited Phil. Claire and Mitchell then walk in through the front door with Jay, Manny, and Gloria who is carrying a sleeping Fulgencio.

MITCHELL

All I'm saying is that Claire is a backseat driver.

CLAIRE

Oh so now I'm a micromanaging, backseat driver? Real nice, Mitchell.

GLORIA

(shouting)

Hey! You are going to wake my little Fulgencio with all your screaming and the shouting! Enough!

Claire and Mitchell stop fighting. Fulgencio starts crying.

GLORIA (CONT'D)

_Ai_! You see what you do?

Gloria then walks off cradling Fulgencio while mumbling in rapid-fire Spanish.

CLAIRE

See what you did?

MITCHELL

Me? That was all you!

CLAIRE

No sir, that was you.

MITCHELL

Was not!

CLAIRE

Was to, Mitchell. We all heard you.

JAY

Will you two knock it off? It was both of you.

JAY INTERVIEW

JAY

We're having a little problem with termites at our place, so Claire and Phil are letting us shack up with them for the time being. I'm beginning to regret that decision already.

Jay then walks off as well, mumbling under his breath. Claire and Mitchell walk into the KITCHEN where Phil and Cam are.

PHIL

Hey honey, how was the car ride?

CLAIRE

It was interesting. Very interesting. Never a dull moment with my family.

MITCHELL

It was very interesting indeed, especially once we heard a certain someone on the radio (to Cam). Cam, what was all that about?

CAM

(to Mitchell)

Did you hear? I won us tickets to go see Kylie Minogue in concert!

CAM INTERVIEW

CAM

I have a gift for winning radio prizes. I really do. When I was younger I went to see Bon Jovi in concert because I was the one-hundred and fifty-fouth caller. I'm very persistent. Later that same year I was banned from every calling that station again. Their loss.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

MITCHELL

I thought you hated concerts.

CAM

Oh Mitchell, don't be such a stick in the mud.

CLAIRE

(to Cam)

That's exactly what I was telling him. I mean it's been so long since Phil and I had a chance to do anything like this.

CAM

(to Claire)

Now that's just sad.

(to Mitchell)

You see, Mitchell? Do you _want_ to end up like them?

CLAIRE

What?

CAM

Not now, Claire.

MITCHELL

I'm just asking a few questions is all. Nothing wrong with that.

CLAIRE

(gasps)

Light bulb!

MITCHELL

(whispers, to Cam)

I thought that one burned out years ago.

CLAIRE

Maybe we should all go to the concert.

PHIL

Yes! Yes, I totally back this great idea! Superb idea, Claire.

Everyone turns to Phil.

PHIL (CONT'D)

I mean you know, it sounds like something we could consider.

CLAIRE

Anyway, I was thinking that we could just make this a date night for us adults. It would be great to get out and do something fun.

CAM

That sounds like a terrific idea. And being the great planner that I am, I could plan our evening.

CLAIRE

Well I was thinking maybe just dinner and the show.

Jay enters the KITCHEN.

JAY

What's going on in here?

CLAIRE

Hey, Dad. We were just thinking of planning a night out for us this Saturday. Just the adults.

JAY

The adults, huh? I assume Gloria and I are invited then?

CLAIRE

Of course.

JAY

Damn.

CLAIRE

You don't have to go if you don't want to.

JAY

No, no. You told me now I have to tell Gloria and she's gonna want to go.

Gloria enters the KITCHEN.

GLORIA

Tell Gloria what?

JAY

Claire has plans for us this Saturday night.

GLORIA

Plans, huh? Is this another one of your plans to take me to the class for the bad drivers? Because my driving is not bad!

PHIL

(to Gloria)

Oh, no. No, your driving is great, Gloria. Come here.

Phil walks over to Gloria for a hug.

CLAIRE

OK, you know what.

Claire then pushes Phil to the other side of her.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)

No, Gloria we are not taking you to defensive driving.

MITCHELL

(whispers, to Cam)

Although it wouldn't hurt.

CLAIRE

There's going to be a concert in town and I was just telling everyone that we should all go. Just the six of us.

GLORIA

That's what you said last week when you took me to the class for the bad driving!

JAY

Who's playing?

CAM

It's Kylie Minogue. I won two tickets to see her.

MITCHELL

Yeah, Dad. Kylie Minogue. Gay icon. There'll probably be a lot of gay there so you probably wouldn't -

JAY

We're in.

CAM

Really?

PHIL

Wow, Jay. I didn't know you were a fan of Kylie.

JAY

Eh, she's not my top choice in music, but she's not too bad on the eyes.

GLORIA

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Who is this K-K -

CAM

Kylie Minogue, sweetie. Say it with me: K-Eye-Lee Min-rhymes with Vogue -

MITCHELL

Cam.

GLORIA

Whatever. (re: Jay) Who is this woman and why do you suddenly want to see her, huh?

GLORIA INTERVIEW

GLORIA

The last time Jay went to see a woman he made her his second wife.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

JAY

This coming from the woman who has a hot flash every time a Roberto or Alejandro show their chest on those soap operas you watch.

GLORIA

Don't change the subject.

JAY

(shaking head)

We're in.

GLORIA

Fine! You can just have a baby with the K-K -

CAM

Kylie.

GLORIA

Whoever!

Gloria then exits the KITCHEN.

JAY

She'll be fine.

CLAIRE

OK, so we're all set then, right?

CAM

Have you checked for tickets? The concert's only two days away, so you might want to make sure there's still enough available.

Phil pulls his phone out.

PHIL

Well it's gonna be a close call, but if we act fast then we should be able to snag some.

Everyone turns to Phil again.

PHIL (CONT'D)

What?

Haley enters.

HALEY

Hey mom, can I have a friend over Saturday night? I have a group project we're working on and it'll just be the two of us.

CLAIRE

Sure, honey. What's her name?

HALEY

Nate.

PHIL

Huh. That's a very 'him' name for a 'her'.

HALEY

Don't freak, but Nate is a guy.

CLAIRE

Yeah I think I got that part.

HALEY

So he can come over?

CLAIRE

(to Haley)

You know we don't allow boys in the house.

HALEY

But you guys will be home, so what's the problem?

CLAIRE

Actually we won't be here Saturday night. We have plans.

Alex, Luke, and Manny enter.

ALEX

You guys have plans? To do what?

LUKE

Is saying you have "plans" just another way of saying you guys want some love-making time?

CLAIRE

(to Luke)

No. No, it doesn't mean... that.

Phil then smirks and pulls Claire closer to him by her waist.

PHIL

This time.

HALEY

Gross.

Claire pushes away from Phil.

CLAIRE

What your father means is that we have plans-plans.

ALEX

Where are we going?

CLAIRE

No you kids aren't invited.

LUKE

They _are_ talking about love-making time!

CLAIRE

Luke! We are not talking about that. Cam, Mitchell, Jay, Gloria, your father, and I are going to a concert Saturday night, and we're gonna need you to babysit Lily and Joe.

HALEY

A concert? I thought everyone you guys used to listen to died out.

The adults all glance to the camera.

CAM

(to Claire and Phil)

Did I ever mention how charming your kids are?

MITCHELL

Actually, kids, we're gonna go see a woman by the name of Kylie Minogue.

ALEX

Who?

MANNY

Kylie Minogue. A pop star who found prominence in the early 90's and 2000's. Her hit "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was voted most catchiest song ever.

Everyone turns to Manny.

MANNY (CONT'D)

What? I'm a sucker for fun facts.

JAY

_Oy vey_.

HALEY

Ugh, this is so unfair! You guys are all old! You don't need to go to a concert!

Haley then storms off.

CLAIRE

Right, so anyway...

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - STAIRCASE - DAY

As the adults go back to talking, Alex exits the KITCHEN. Haley stops her on the stairs.

HALEY

Listen, I have a plan. You may not like it at first, but just hear me out, OK?

ALEX

I'm listening.

HALEY

I was thinking of inviting a few people over while mom and dad are out.

ALEX

A few people being?

HALEY

A few friends, this one guy named Nate.

Alex scoffs and begins walking past Haley, but is stopped.

HALEY (CONT'D)

Wait, you didn't let me finish.

ALEX

I don't need to. It's always the same thing with you, and I'm not gonna be a part of this. If you're going down, you're going down alone.

HALEY

Alex! You have to help me.

ALEX

Give me one good reason why I should.

HALEY

Because I'm your sister and even though we pretend to hate each other we both know we'd do anything to help the other out.

ALEX INTERVIEW

ALEXX

She may be one chromosome away from literally being a stick in the mud, but Haley definitely has her moments.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - STAIRCASE - DAY

ALEX

That was a really good reason.

(sighs)

What do you want?

HALEY

OK, so I want to invite this guy over, but I think the best way to go about it is through a group setting. Nothing big, just a few people. They'll be in and out.

ALEX

What do I get out of this?

HALEY

Two words: Sebastian Diaz.

This seems to register with Alex.

ALEX

How'd you -

HALEY

We're sisters. I know everything. So are you in?

ALEX

I guess. But what about Lily and Flu... Ful... Joe?

HALEY

Don't worry. We'll dump them on Luke and Manny.

**END OF ACT TWO**

[SPACE BREAK]

**ACT THREE**

INT. CAM AND MITCHELL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - EVENING

Cam and Mitchell are in their bedroom talking as they finish getting dressed.

MITCHELL

I just don't see why we couldn't do something else like go see a movie or, you know something that doesn't involve abnormally fit men rubbed down in baby oil parading around on stage.

CAM AND MITCHELL INTERVIEW

CAM

Mitchell has always been a little self-conscious about his physical appearance.

MITCHELL

Well it's not just about my physical appearance. Hiding a piece of who you are for so long tends to do some damage to your self-esteem.

CAM

OK, Idina Menzel. Let's tone down the _Wicked_.

MITCHELL

Are you telling me you've never been self-conscious about yourself?

CAM

Well of course, but I had to get over that and start loving myself early on in order to be the man I am today.

INT. CAM AND MITCHELL'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - EVENING

CAM

Oh Mitchell, stop being such a Debbie-downer. It's just a few short hours and then we'll be right back in the comfort of our home.

CAM INTERVIEW

CAM

I'm sure this is more than a self-esteem issue, but I'm not one to pry. I know Mitchell and I know just how long he can go on with the silent treatment. The man takes it to a whole other level.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - EVENING

The camera pushes in to the Dunphy home.

CLAIRE (O.S.)

Phil, are you ready?

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

CLAIRE (CONT'D)

(to Haley)

Now remember; I don't want any boys in this house, I don't want any parties,

Luke walks by with a pack of matches. Claire grabs them from him.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)

I don't want any fires.

HALEY

That happened like once, Mom. It's time to move on.

CLAIRE

(to Alex)

I don't want you letting your sister out of your sight. You're the good one, the responsible one, the one I know I can always count on.

Alex seems to become a little uneasy.

HALEY

Don't you worry about a thing, mother. We have this all under control. Right, Alex?

ALEX

(nervously)

Right.

Gloria enters the room holding Fulgencio.

GLORIA

(giving Fulgencio to Haley)

Here Haley.

Gloria gives the baby to Haley who kind of winces away at first.

GLORIA (CONT'D)

I just fed him not too long ago, so you need to burp him later. Then you can put him to bed.

Phil enters.

PHIL

Alright people, let's get this Loco-Motion on the road!

Jay and Gloria start heading out the door.

GLORIA

Bye-bye, Manny! Take care of your brother!

JAY AND GLORIA INTERVIEW

GLORIA

Hopefully Phil is the only one missing the screw in the head.

JAY

I wouldn't count on it.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Claire starts heading to the door.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

Loco-Motion?

PHIL

It's a Kylie reference, let's go.

Phil rushes Claire out the door.

PHIL (CONT'D)

Bye kids! Be good! No fires this time!

Phil exits the house.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - FRONT YARD - EVENING

Cam and Mitchell pull into the driveway and get out of the car with Lily.

CAM

(to Lily)

OK, honey. We're gonna be gone for just a few hours and then we'll come and get you, OK?

LILY

Did you pack me any snacks?

MITCHELL

Of course we did, sweetheart.

LILY

OK. Bye!

Lily then snatches her backpack and runs to the DUNPHY HOUSE.

PHIL

Alright everyone, let's get this Loco-Motion on the road!

CAM

Clever.

CLAIRE

Phil, you already used that one.

PHIL

But your brother and Cam didn't hear it, so it still counts.

CAM

He has a point, Claire.

CLAIRE

Of course he does.

Phil, Claire, Jay and Gloria get into Phil's car. Cam and Mitchell get in their car and drive off.

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Back inside with DUNPHY HOUSE.

HALEY

(moving from the window)

OK, the parents are gone. Time to get our own party started.

Haley then abruptly gives Fulgencio to Alex and takes out her phone.

HALEY (CONT'D)

Great. Everyone is on their way. Time to go get ready.

Haley starts going upstairs. She then notices that Alex is not moving.

HALEY (CONT'D)

Why aren't you going to get ready?

ALEX

I am ready.

HALEY

Oh no, you are not wearing _that_.

ALEX

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

HALEY

Do you even own a mirror? Come on, Alex. Just because Sebastian is gonna say no doesn't mean you can't entice him a little.

Alex stares straight-face into the camera as Haley continues on upstairs.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING

The adults are taking their seats at their table. Phil is looking through the menu. Cam is sizing the place up.

CAM

Well this is a nice place, Claire. Where'd you find it? Groupon?

MITCHELL

Cam!

(then, to Claire)

It's a real nice place, Claire.

CLAIRE

Thank you, Mitchell. You know it would be nice for you to give me a little credit, Cameron.

PHIL

Hey look at this. It says their chili is guaranteed to "burn your butt".

(laughs)

Claire looks away in shame.

GLORIA

(to Jay)

Do you think I should call and check on them?

JAY

Just try to relax, honey.

GLORIA

I cannot relax, Jay! I am at the end of the wits and I need to call them!

Gloria starts getting up, but Jay stops her.

JAY

Honey, please. I'm sure everything is fine.

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - EVENING

A party is taking place at the DUNPHY HOUSE. Haley is flirting with a boy. Luke and Manny are standing to a corner watching the goings on. Alex comes up to them.

ALEX

Have either of you seen Sebastian?

LUKE

Who?

MANNY

The boy she has her eye on.

ALEX

How'd you -

MANNY

(shrugs)

Fun facts. They're my thing.

Alex rolls her eyes and walks away.

LUKE

This party sucks. Wanna go do something better?

MANNY

Like what?

LUKE

Come on, I'll show you.

Luke and Manny head upstairs. Alex walks over to Haley who is still flirting with a boy.

ALEX

(whispers)

Haley.

Haley continues to flirt.

ALEX (CONT'D)

Haley.

Haley continues to flirt.

ALEX (CONT'D)

Haley!

Alex yanks Haley away by her arm.

HALEY

Ow! What's wrong with you?

ALEX

Have you seen Sebastian?

HALEY

No. Have you seen Nate?

ALEX

You mean that wasn't him (re: to the boy Haley was flirting with)?

HALEY

Oh god no.

Alex just stares at Haley, dumbfounded.

CUT TO:

INT. PHIL AND CLAIRE'S CAR - NIGHT

Phil sticks his head back in the car from out the window. He looks unkempt and a little sweaty.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

How are you doing, honey?

PHIL

We're definitely gonna have to wash the car after tonight.

CLAIRE

Phil! I told you to aim away from the car.

PHIL

Well I'm sorry! I didn't take the wind into consideration.

JAY

Oh geez.

CLAIRE

OK, maybe we should just tell Cam and Mitchell that we're gonna call it a night. You're obviously not feeling well, so maybe we should just go home.

GLORIA

Yes! I agree with your wife, Phil!

PHIL

No! I am going to this concert!

Everyone is looking at Phil.

PHIL (CONT'D)

You know, to be with Cam and Mitchell and all of you.

JAY

Do these numbskulls even know where they're going? We're in the middle of nowhere.

CLAIRE

Dad, relax. They won the tickets and everything. I'm sure they know where we are.

CUT TO:

INT. CAM AND MITCHELL'S CAR - NIGHT

MITCHELL

I have no idea where we are.

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - NIGHT

The party is still going on. Haley finally meets with Nate.

HALEY

(walking up to Nate)

Hey, Nate!

NATE

Hey, Haley. Cool party.

HALEY

Thanks. So how are you enjoying yourself?

NATE

Well I -

HALEY

That's great, wanna dance?

NATE

Uh, sure?

Haley then leads Nate away. Alex is in the KITCHEN drinking something in a cup.

ALEX

(making a face)

That is horrible punch.

SEBASTIAN (O.S.)

I could have told you that.

Alex turns around to see Sebastian standing there.

ALEX

(embarrassed)

Oh, hi. When did you get here?

SEBASTIAN

A little while ago. I thought it was a mistake when I first got here seeing as there's absolutely no one that I know.

ALEX

Oh...

SEBASTIAN

But then I realized that your last name is Dunphy, so I figured that maybe this was your doing?

ALEX

How did you figure this was the Dunphy residence?

SEBASTIAN

It says your name on your mailbox.

ALEX

Right. My sister decided to throw a party and promised I could invite a friend to keep my mouth shut.

SEBASTIAN

So you invited me?

ALEX

Oh, well I -

SEBASTIAN

(laughs)

Don't worry about it. Listen, can I talk to you privately? Maybe we can go outside?

ALEX

O-OK. Sure.

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Luke is digging around in his closet while Manny sits on the bed.

MANNY

What are you looking for?

LUKE

It's a surprise.

MANNY INTERVIEW

MANNY

Usually I'm someone who doesn't mind a good surprise, but you just never know when it comes to Luke. I mean you've seen Phil. The apple may not have fallen far from the tree.

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S ROOM - NIGHT

LUKE (CONT'D)

Found it!

Luke pulls out a big, cardboard box.

MANNY

What did you find?

LUKE

Come see for yourself.

Manny goes over as Luke opens the box.

MANNY

Whoa! Where did you get all of this?

Luke pulls out a handful of fireworks.

LUKE

I've been saving some up from the past seven Fourth of July's and New Year's.

MANNY

Impressive. So what are you gonna do with them? Scare some of the party-goers?

LUKE

Nah. That's too predictable, and I'm not one for predictableness. I was thinking we could just go somewhere and pop a few of them.

MANNY

Well I don't know about that. We would probably get into some trouble, and my mom did tell me to watch over my brother.

LUKE

He's sleeping. And if he's anything like Jay then he'll be fine. Come on.

MANNY

I don't know -

LILY (O.S.)

Ooo, I'm telling.

The boys quickly turn to the door where Lily is standing.

CUT TO:

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT

The adults are standing by their cars outside. Phil walks out from some bushes.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

How you feeling, honey?

Phil gives her a thumbs up.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)

(to Phil)

That's great.

(then, to Mitchell)

What is wrong with you? How could you get us lost out here in the middle of nowhere?

MITCHELL

I know this looks bad, but it really isn't.

CLAIRE

Oh really, Mitchell? Really? My husband is probably dying from some tainted chili -

MITCHELL

That was probably more your fault than mine.

CLAIRE

We are lost, Mitchell! Now we can't get home, to our kids and you can just forget about the concert!

MITCHELL

Well I am sorry, Claire! I'm sorry we can't all be perfect like you!

CLAIRE

Oh stop! This isn't about me! This is about you getting us lost in the middle of nowhere!

MITCHELL

I can't talk to you like this.

Mitchell walks off. Cam walks over to Claire.

CAM

Don't worry about it. I'll go talk to him.

CLAIRE

(sighs)

No, no. I'll go. This is partly my fault... more or less.

Claire walks to Mitchell as Cam watches on with a heartfelt smile. Camera cuts to Jay walking over to Gloria who is leaning against, but not facing the camera, Phil and Claire's car.

JAY

(to Gloria's back)

Well at least we got some time away from the baby, right?

Gloria doesn't turn around. She starts sniffling.

JAY (CONT'D)

Gloria?

Jay turns Gloria around. He sees that she is crying.

GLORIA

(shouts)

What do you want?

JAY

What's wrong? Why are you crying?

GLORIA

I'm crying because I'm a bad mother!

JAY

What are you talking about? You're a wonderful mother.

GLORIA

Don't lie to me, Jay Pritchett! I'm a bad mother! I just left Manny and Fulgencio when they needed me! Just so I can come to this K-K -

Cam pops in out of nowhere.

CAM

Kylie.

Jay shoves Cam out of the way.

JAY

Would you get out of here? Honey, what are you talking about? The boys are fine. Manny and Joe know you're a wonderful mother. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little time to yourself. You deserve it with all that you do for us.

Gloria begins to calm down.

GLORIA

You don't think I'm a bad mother?

JAY

Bad? No. Of course not. You're the best mom in the world to those two little boys. And you're pretty good to me, too.

Jay and Gloria then share a hug. Camera cuts to Phil and Cam who are looking on.

CAM

(emotional)

Isn't that just beautiful?

PHIL

Yeah. It's so great that it makes my stomach hurt.

Phil then ducks behind some bushes while Cam continues to look on at Jay and Gloria.

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Luke, Manny and Lily are all in Luke's room standing around.

MANNY

We've been caught! We're going down!

LUKE

(to Manny)

I'll handle this.

(then, to Lily)

Now, Lily, you can't tell anyone about this.

LILY

Why?

LUKE

Because we'll get in trouble, and you don't want that, do you?

LILY

Maybe I do.

Luke and Manny exchange looks of unease.

LUKE

How about if we let you come with us to pop some of these bad boys? Will you still tell on us?

Manny pulls Luke aside.

MANNY

Are you nuts? We'll definitely get in trouble!

LUKE

Don't worry. I know her type. She'll just get scared and want to stay here.

MANNY

What if she tells?

LUKE

(shrugs)

We just get rid of the evidence.

Luke and Manny turn back to Lily.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Well?

LILY

I'm in.

Manny does a face-palm.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT

Sebastian and Alex walk out to the back yard.

ALEX

Listen, I'm really sorry about all of this. It didn't play out like this in my head.

SEBASTIAN

It's OK. Look, Alex, It's cool that you like me, and I like you, too -

ALEX

(sigh of relief)

You do? Oh thank god. That would've been embarrassing.

SEBASTIAN

But I don't like you the same way you like me.

A beat.

ALEX

What?

SEBASTIAN

Don't get me wrong, you're a great person and I wish I could, but -

ALEX

But what?

SEBASTIAN

I can't.

ALEX

Why not?

SEBASTIAN

I just can't.

ALEX

Can't you at least tell me why?

Sebastian is quiet.

ALEX (CONT'D)

You know what? Whatever. It doesn't even matter anymore.

SEBASTIAN

I'm gay.

Alex stares at Sebastian with a stunned expression.

CUT TO:

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT

Mitchell is standing by his car. Claire walks over.

CLAIRE

Hey there.

MITCHELL

(not looking at Claire)

What do you want?

CLAIRE

Mitchell, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I don't mean to blow up at you... I guess I'm just a micromanaging, backseat driver like you said.

MITCHELL

Don't forget perfectionist.

CLAIRE

I actually don't remember you saying that one.

MITCHELL

(turns to Claire)

Oh I know, but you really are.

CLAIRE

(smiling)

Forgive me?

MITCHELL

(smiling)

Of course I forgive you.

The two share a hug. Cam then appears.

CAM

You two have to come see this!

Claire and Mitchell follow Cam. They all come up to a cliff where, below them, is the Kylie Minogue concert.

CLAIRE

Well would you look at that?

CAM

(to Phil)

Not bad for a grandma, huh?

Phil looks on with pure awe in his eyes.

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHIL

(smiling)

Not bad at all, Cameron. Not bad at all.

CUT TO:

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT

Luke, Manny and Lily are all walking together. Luke is carrying the box of fireworks. He then drops them on the ground as they come to a stop.

LUKE

Perfect spot.

MANNY

I don't know about this, Luke. This may be a little too scary for Lily.

LILY

I'm not scared.

Luke gets down by the box.

LUKE

Don't worry so much. We'll just light a few and get out of here. If I can just find a fuse so we can pick one out.

Luke then pulls out a pack of matches and lights one. Manny pulls Lily back.

MANNY

What are you doing?

LUKE

I need light to see what I'm doing.

MANNY

Are you sure that's safe?

LUKE

Manny, don't you think I know what I'm doing?

The match burns Luke's fingers causing him to drop it in the box.

LUKE(CONT'D)

Oops.

MANNY

Oops? What oops?

Luke backs away from the box as various fuses become ignited.

LUKE

I think we should probably run now.

MANNY

(panicked)

What?

LUKE

Run!

Luke takes off running. Manny picks up Lily and starts running as well.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT

Haley enters the back yard where she finds Alex by herself.

HALEY

Why are you out here by yourself?

Alex remains quiet.

HALEY (CONT'D)

Something happen with Sebastian?

ALEX

Something like that. Turns out he's gay.

HALEY

Yikes. Sorry to hear it. How are you?

ALEX

I'm fine. It's pretty funny now that I think about it. What about you? What happened with Nate?

HALEY

(sighs)

Turns out he has a girlfriend.

ALEX

Sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll find someone who -

HALEY

I'm seeing him next Saturday.

ALEX

Of course you are.

Just then a flurry of fireworks light up the sky. Alex and Haley stare up at them.

HALEY

Must be some concert.

CUT TO:

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON A DIRT PATH - NIGHT

The adults are all slow-dancing on the cliff to a Kylie song playing in the background.

JAY (V.O.)

Since Cain and Able have there always been sibling rivalries. There will probably always be sibling rivalries.

Cam spins Mitchell and Phil spins Claire so that she and Mitchell end up together. Phil starts dancing with Cam.

JAY (CONT'D) (V.O.)

But there will always be the instance where one sibling is there for the other.

Luke, Manny and Lily continue to run away from the fireworks.

JAY (CONT'D) (V.O.)

Because no matter how much they fight or bicker or tease each other -

Haley and Alex continue watching the fireworks together, smiling.

JAY (CONT'D) (V.O.)

\- they will always love one another at the core of their being.

JAY INTERVIEW

JAY

Maybe I shouldn't use Cain and Abel as an example in this case. The whole killing-his-brother kind of contradicts my point...

(thinks, then)

Those football brothers. Two quarterbacks, two teams, but they're still brothers. Yeah, that's a good one.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW.


End file.
